We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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