I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
