literally had 100 drinks last night.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
