I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
