I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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