You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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