I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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