The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
