Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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