I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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