I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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