we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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