Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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