just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
As shirtless as possible
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
