At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
