does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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