nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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