The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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