you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Ladies don't puke and tell
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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