when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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