i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
