does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
