Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
