I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
