They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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