Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
