I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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