yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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