The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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