Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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