I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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