sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
