just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
