In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
