Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
