You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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