they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
