tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
