I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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