I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
