he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
