I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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