my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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