My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
