Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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