So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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