I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he told me I talked like a deaf person
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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