It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
