Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
