I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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