Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
